my heart loops for curls that swoop and earrings that hoop. my campus queen dream, yo face spread across my mind like the cover of a magazine. wouldn't it be serene if we make this a thing?
see, this the fantasy stage of love. where all the idiosyncrasies and chips in yo heart is filled by the projections you place on a desired other. Ree Botts-Ward, I loved you since the day I saw you. but this was a shallow love. conjured up by a fractured heart scrounging for shelter in a land of wind and ghosts. your radiant beauty was worth braving the beckoning flame, one that promised warmth but pretended the possibility of a deep burn.
but see, that flame is clarifying. that flame made me look at myself and think - do I have what it takes to step to you? that flame of beauty has continued to rage as the centerpiece of my life. it has burned away all false pretenses and misconceptions.
initially drawn to the philly jawn by way of Atlanta, I grew to know the depths of you.
how scary it is when the love deepens, when you're pushing forth into the mist of of the unknown. on the raft of vulnerability and honesty, hoping you will find solid ground to sustain you.
from pressed curls to bleach blonde, big chops and faux Locs, we found love listening to the four tops. sitting on yo berkeley rooftop. talking bout the things that scare us.
you see, I've always lived with profound fear. the fear of not being good enough. the fear of death. the fear of abandonment.
how beautiful it was to witness enduring love blossoming from the darkened soil of depression and anxiety. the visage of you as a pristine queen faded away as we toiled together unearthing our deepest pain, and mourning the limits of material gain. I always felt like my fearful, fretful self chased love away. but your courageous, compassionate example helped me to transform pain into purpose.
you've held my hand in hospital lobbies, helped me process intense therapy sessions, supported me through the ups and downs of addiction and recovery. you've helped me understand what I means to receive love without having to perform for it.
you see, anxiety is a creative process. it expends energy, concocting works case scenarios. filling futures with hefelumps and road bumps. it exhausts the spirit and saps hope from the soul. your cooling touch has allowed me to more constructively channel that energy and genius, you told me I was brilliant and a gift to the world when I was cool with working at CVS. you told me I had so much to share with the world and you helped me polish applications to graduate school. you helped me nurture a loving inner voice inside me that helps counter the whisperings of the disaster artist that tells me life is not worth living of the hardest days.
envisioning the future is hard. I feel like I haven't seen a lot of people grow old gracefully. but you give me hope. for years spent traveling the world. reading the revelations and insights that fill the many books that you will write. for new friendships and connections that we'll share. for the many ways you will continue to shine light into the corners of my spirit that desperately need growth and love. I look forward to a lot more cats, and continuing to build home in Monterey, and wherever else our hearts find it.
I love you and all the life you bring to this world. and I would give up my own to protect you. I promise to take your emotional and spiritual safety as serious as your physical safety. to listen to and respect the needs of your inner child and adult self as you feel comfortable communicating them. I promise to continue to worship creation with you and to thank God for the gift of your companionship by sinking our toes into warm sands and looking up in awe at the heights of redwood trees and cascading forest canopies.
I promise to continue seeking my own spiritual growth, learning how to communicate my needs and wants. I promise to maintain a centered spiritual life, and to love you forever.
-osceola ward, 2022
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black love heals. you taught me that..
it is so fitting that our love story began in a black studies department, because our love for our people laid the foundation for our love for our love for each other and our love for ourselves..
loving you freed me up to feel all my feelings. you make me feel so free, so possible. this is the life I choose for me. choosing a life with you is choosing a life of healthy love, healing love. a life of feeling deeply. silk on my skin, joy in the wind, a world of wonder and wander.
you, your love, freed my spirit. you introduced me to the parts of myself that I was hiding from me and you taught me how to love them. in the way you loved me. you’ve shown me new ways to love myself. you’ve given me the room the space the grace to stumble through the journey of meeting myself over and over again.
this is the life i choose for me. a life of recovery. a life of rigorous honesty. a leaning into the discomfort, of learning to be brave.
you make me better, because you make me more human. you give me permission to be human. you see me at my most flawed, in the moments when i am falling apart, and you love me so tenderly. with so much love and so much care and so much grace
i never believed i was worthy of a love that i did not have to perform for. a love that let me be flawed. a love that could hold complexity. i never believed i was worthy of a love that brought me ease. i never imagined i would love a man and be so loved by that same man, and have a deep deep desire to grow old with him, and feel so safe and so seen with him, and trust him with my life.
you say i make you feel like a man but baby you make me feel like a woman. i love every part of you. even the parts that make me mad/ sad/ shy/ surprised. i love every inch of who god made you, my soulmate.
i love your heart. your humor. your compassion. the care you take in love. in loving yourself first. in loving your students. your people. your family. i love the way you love. i love to watch you grow. expand. demand more out of this life. i love to watch you light up with a brilliant new idea, or clarity on your journey of recovery.
i love talking with you. i love joe you let me in, invite me into all those secret sacred places in your mind/ heart/ head/ spirit. i love to see you in nature, i love to watch you breathe, i love to watch you be. i love to see you dream, i love how you lead.
my love, i am so amazed at the man you are and the man you are becoming. you are the most beautiful human i have ever known. the most brilliant. the most brave.
i am overwhelmed at the blessing of being your wife. thank you for choosing me. thank you for trusting me. thank you for growing me. thank you for seeing me when i cannot see myself.
you have known me since i was 22. you were my friend first. you tool your time with me.
we have been through so many phases, from my weyburn apartment at ucla talking bout webs of emotions and the universe, to your weyburn apartment and your cat Lumumba and beach days in LA. to new hikes and new homes. we have been holding each other down every step of the way, learning new ways to love and love
you have been the most amazing friend i ever had in my life. you’ve taught me the meaning of friendship. of partnership. of love.
what i love most about our love is that our foundation is friendship, our sacred union of deep loving care that cannot be captured by romance alone. a deep heartfelt fire, a warm soothing sensation of safety and trust. the most sincere promise in the subtlety of i love you, forever. and pure friendship as our guide.
i promise to always be your friend. to cheer you on in the highest and the lowest points. to love you from the purest depths of me, through sickness and in health. when the money comes and when it goes. to never never ever ever leave you. to be right here, right by your side, doing life in the ways that feel right to us, rooted in spirit, guided by love.
i promise to give you the space and time you need to grow, and to take the space and time i need to grow. i promise to never stay stuck. to comfort you and care for you in all the ways that i can, in all the ways that bring you warmth and tenderness. i promise to pray for you. to yearn for you. to hold you as you move through darkness and light. to let you be the man you are becoming. to support you with everything in me that i have to give for all the days of your life.
-reelaviolette botts-ward, 2022